Blood, Guts And Al Gore, Zombie Style

AUTHORS NOTE: Ok CM and AG, you’re public figures and this is a silly little one-off zombie thing and in no way political so get over it and grow a sense of humor. Man! You guys are so touchy and sensitive! Besides, I didn’t tell you to read my blog anyway! Because I’m sure you await each of my posts with bated breath, as well you should. Everyone else, enjoy.

~

One would think I’d be used to all this killing by now but one would be wrong.
Sure, it was something I did on a daily basis in the name of survival but c’mon, who wants to spend their time covered in blood, guts, and Al Gore?
Yeah, you heard right, Al Gore.
Not only is he a zombie himself but he is also singlehandedly responsible for The Zombie Apocalypse. I saw it myself. Plus it was on the internet therefore must be true.

I don’t know all of the details, the whys and hows, news reports went the way of civility long ago disappearing off the face of the map completely when the power grids went down.
I remember one of the last news story I’d seen, as did anyone else who still had a brain.
Right there on national television while doing some interview about global warming the ex-Vice President turned into a zombie and began chomping on Chris Matthews.
Believe me, you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen Chris Matthews frozen in fear with an ex-Vice President gnawing on his face.
It wasn’t pretty.
Matthews just kept on talking, blood spurting everywhere, ex-VP attached to his neck.
The darkened stain running down his leg was less a thrill and more piss and blood but you gotta give him credit, Matthews never stopped talking till zombie-Al ripped off his mouth.
Of course the last thing out of Matthews mouth was something garbled about how this was all Bush’s fault but Gore just kept chowing down until Matthews was no more than a bloody stump with piss-stained legs.
From there it spiraled out of control live, until there was nothing to see through the blood covered camera lens. The screaming pretty much told the story.

A shuffling sound penetrated my musings and I fired, one gunshot to the brain equaled one less zombie.
I’m saving the world, zombie by zombie.

5 Ways To Survive The Inevitably Approaching Zombie Apocalypse

5 Ways To Survive The Inevitably Approaching Zombie Apocalypse

1. Learn to look at everything as a potential weapon. With a little practice, a heavy hardcover book can be as deadly as a machete. Killing zombies is easy once you get the hang of it.

2. Make your home a fortress. Your home is your castle, if time allows, prepare a moat. Use piranhas and/or alligators if possible (depending on your location), or consider gasoline. If gasoline is not an option, try anything flammable (e.g. cooking oil, alcohol). When zombies fall into the gasoline-filled moat (and they will, zombies are very clumsy) shooting flaming arrows at them is recommended. Not only will this burn zombies but also, fire pretty.

3. Pick your battles. You may have to spend a lot of time with unfamiliar non-zombies if you choose to run (safety in numbers and all that). Try not to waste energy and strength fighting amongst yourselves (unless you are a disgruntled spouse who never bothered to divorce, this could be a perfect opportunity to end an unhappy marriage).

4. Think like a Girl Scout/Boy Scout and always be prepared. Have plenty of water and canned food stored away. Remember, there will be no weekly trips to the grocery story during a zombie apocalypse, better to serve boxed macaroni and cheese to your friends and family than to serve your own flesh so keep your pantry stocked and avoid strangers at all cost.

5. Keep a journal. If you don’t make it you’ll help future survivors know what not to do, if you do happen to survive you can start a publishing company, make a fortune, and possibly rule whatever is left of the world.

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS CLOSE YOUR EYES AND PRAY FOR DARYL*.

*Is it just me or is it a really long wait between Walking Dead seasons?