{August 10, 2014}   Midnight Sanity

midnight murmurings
urgent low between
surreal imaginings
a prophecy, a dream,
fated, faked,
never sure which is which yet,
i wait and wait and wait,
inside lives that sliver of hope,
the dangle of the prize
so close i smell it,
and like a cat i pounce,
inhale each word to roll around my mouth,
tickle my tongue and begin the slow slide,
down my throat, as every pump of my blood
leads me there,
the heart of the matter and the reason we’re here,
maximum thread count slithers around me mixing words,
phrases dreamed eons ago,
all on repeat
keeping me breathing,
the waxing and waning of the moon
my only measure
and you,
my midnight sanity

{June 26, 2014}   What I Would Wish

black moon4
what i would wish,
is that you would study me
like a mathematical problem,
or an abstract painting,
get to the heart of the matter
and ease my troubled mind,
if i told you i think of you always
you’d call me a liar and laugh that way you do,
tell me i’m cute when i’m silly, using different words that mean the same,
so instead i say nothing,
just write the script in my head, where it stays,
filed away with all those bits of me
nobody ever sees,
your analytical side overrules everything
making it easier for me
to remember
i don’t believe in wishes anymore,
they never come true

{April 4, 2014}   April Showers Bring Me Tears

momfriends My Mom is 2nd from the right, the hot redhead in green

Last night I dreamed of my Mother.
I’ve dreamed of her a few times since she died but I never saw her face in my dreams. It was always the back of her head, or just that dream-logic-knowledge that she was there with me in the dream. This was the first time I saw her face, looking back at me.
I woke up to a gray rainy day knowing I had a dentist appointment in a few hours, turned on the kettle and fed my meowing babies. As I plugged my phone into the charger I noticed there was a text message, it wasn’t until I began to read it that it hit me.
For those few minutes between waking and looking at my phone, I’d forgotten.
For those few minutes, I forgot my Mother was dead.
For the first time in nearly a year, I lost it. I broke down. Great heaving sobbing break down.
It’s no secret I’ve been in the dumps lately.
One of the little habits I have is writing everything down, little notes on a calendar like a mini shorthand diary.
So I knew the day before yesterday, April 2nd last year, she went to the hospital. Only now I am aware of the outcome.
Now I know the ups and downs, released to rehab perfectly fine, only to pass away less than 8 hours later.
I’m not wallowing in it, there are a lot of other reasons I’m not feeling up to par, but this, grief, it’s harder than I knew it would be and I don’t know how to do it right.
And I understand it’s different for everyone and we all deal in our own way but I don’t know my way.
I’m lost.
Because aren’t we always alone? When you break it down, we are alone. Or maybe it’s just my tunnel vision right now.
I hope it’s my tunnel vision.
A few hours ago my Dad called me. My cousin Doreen, my Dad’s (deceased) only Sister’s daughter, died today. She had stage 4 lung cancer. She was in her 60’s and I can’t count all the times I spent at the house with Doreen watching me when I was a child.
I should channel my grief into writing, this I know to be true.
I fear I need a few hours to process, although truth be told, all I want to do is go to sleep and find my Mom again.
I could use a Mom-hug, because there is nothing better.
Before I went to sleep last night, I prayed as hard as I could, I begged “Mom, please, I need you, please come to me in my dream, I just need my Mother” and she did.
Is it a coincidence because she was on my mind when I fell asleep?
I choose to believe it was her, because even though it was only a brief period of time, for a little while, my Mom was with me again.
But deep in my heart, I know she lives on through me as her blood flows through my veins.
I am truly my Mother’s daughter and for that reason alone, I am blessed.
momdad My beautiful Mom, with my Dad looking at the woman he was lucky enough to marry.

{March 21, 2014}   That Tingle

sometimes out of nowhere
there’s that tingle along my spine,
it shoots up quick like a volcanic eruption
zips through my veins till it settles down low
electromagnetic pulse in that one spot
and i wonder to myself if you felt it too,
at that very same moment in time
because the zap’s too strong for me alone,
before i know it i’m slipping into a pool of lava,
hot and flowing in all directions
waiting breathless for those urgently needed words
real or imagined,
they have the same outcome,
like the flash of a camera exploding in my eyes
leaving everything shiny
and me at your mercy
happy for it

{March 8, 2014}   To Soar

i wanna soar,
fly across the ice like i used to
when my mother filled my thermos with cocoa
and my skates took me anywhere
i could fly back then,
skate circles around even you
although i was invisible
and no one noticed me twirl
not then
not when my legs were coltish
and my eyes too big for my face,
but i could soar across the river when i wanted
a bubble around me to catch me if i crashed,
now my skates have rusted from lack of use,
though my feet have been itching to fly again,
slide and soar through the night
thankful for the invisible
making it easier
for you to catch me when i crash

{February 23, 2014}   I Belong To You

was that you last night?
(i’m sure it was)
or was it just a dream i dream too often,
(every night i dream of you)
in the middle of the night i conjure the feel of you,
(you’re burned into my soul)
you were here, inside me,
(my heart, my mind, my body, all made for you)
you moved in lock stock and barrel
(where i end and you begin is circular, and we go on endless)
somehow, that’s all i need to get through another day
(each breath i take tastes like you)
just the thought of you, the merest reminder of the way you feel
(your skin on my skin leaves me scorched)
whenever i’m near you, whether up close and personally personal
(i can feel your touch from the other side of the world)
or nothing more than a quick flash of the way your eyes look when those blue beauties lock on my bottom lip
( i tremble at the thought)
before your teeth sink down, your tongue tickles my mouth
(i smile in my sleep, and it takes me over the top)
i know it was you, you see, you are inside me always,
(and you always will be, you see, i belong to you)

{February 15, 2014}   His Words

She checks her phone incessantly, yet always the same result.
These are the hardest days, smack dab in the middle of winter without a reprieve from the bone chilling cold and never-ending snowfall.
She hurts.
Everywhere, she hurts. Her body hurts from the weather, her heart hurts from the world around her.
She feels disconnected.
Unaligned and unappreciated.
Such is her life.
She remembers the days before, when she was younger than she is now, full of hope and dreams-come-true. Before everything in her world came crashing down around her, leaving her alone to navigate the long days and longer nights. Even her dreams no longer offer her comfort, instead they are full of despair and disappointment, just a dream-version rehash of the everyday.
It’s enough to drive anyone insane.
She checks her phone again then pushes it to the side, almost out of sight but near enough to hear any notification alerts. As if the sound of an alert was a lifeline, a rescue from the sameness of each day.
She wonders if she ever crosses his mind. Hell, she wonders if she ever crosses anyone’s mind, but somehow she doubts it.
She lights another cigarette and stares at a blank page, wishing the words would come, but even they seem to have abandoned her.
Another cup of tea and still her mind is as blank as the page in front of her.
Snow continues to fall from the heavy sky, feathery flakes so big it’s like the clouds have been split open, pillow-like.
She wishes for something, but the truth is, if you asked her what she wished for, she couldn’t tell you for sure. Thoughts roil inside her mind so quickly she’s unable to get a grip on any one thing in particular, remaining passive as life continues to go on around her bubble of isolation.
She hears that sound, the one that sends a jolt low in her belly and nearly jumps out of her skin wanting to grab for the phone. Instead she forces herself to wait. Those few seconds of sweet torture never seem to last too long but she unlocks her phone fidgety, her fingers nervous, anxious for connection, even the smallest bit.
She smiles for days whenever she reads his words.
And she begins to write.
AUTHORS NOTE: Hello my lovelies, finally defrosted this huge iceberg that had me frozen in time and space. While I did hope perhaps Matt Smith would somehow show up with his TARDIS in an effort to regain those days I lost due to wintersnowicecoldfreezingwindicefallinghardheavyandsharp accompanied by outer-net loss-age too many times to make it worth signing on most days but wonder of wonders {c’mon, ‘miracle of miracles*} that’s been repaired and a new router is getting the first day jitters because he know he’s up as the old router retires…I hear he may go down to Florida to live with my BFF so this way he remains in the family and I know my router will be loved up by someone who knows what they’re doing and bam, old router has a new home in Florida and I know he’ll be safe with my Bestie….point… no excuses, no sorries, just beyond happy that the block broke as the ice melts on the Full Moon Valentines Day…also known as ‘hey it’s good to be back home again’ because it’s true. So if I didn’t use the right words just know that I’m so happy to once again dive back into my bubble world, and that, my lovelies, is due in great part to you. If your eyes are reading these words, then know they are meant for you, the best readers a girl can have!!! Much love for reading, commenting, letting your eyes skim down a page, whatever, I have much love for each and every one of you, you keep me writing and  there is a place in my heart for you all.

{December 25, 2013}   Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas to you from me with Love and Hugs for one and all!!!

{December 19, 2013}   What We Don’t Say

it’s funny sometimes,
the way you pop into my mind
and i stare at my phone debating,
do i or don’t i?
so i don’t
and that’s when that little ping goes off,
the one that goes straight to the core of me
because i know the dance has begun,
if everything is in alignment
i know i’ll soon hear your voice
and for those minutes,
regardless of the longevity
everything is perfect
a line tossed my way letting me know
things aren’t always as they seem,
and anything is possible
when we believe the impossible,
we don’t always talk about certain things
the ones better left unsaid and yes you get the credit,
but we can say anything and oh, we do,
you may be multi-tasking
but i’m finding me,
because you opened my eyes,
it’s good to see again

{December 15, 2013}   I Miss You

i miss you
can’t say it any plainer than that,
i just miss you,
oh sure, if i wanted, i could think of pretty words
sensual, erotic, sexual innuendo,
you know, the kind of words that make my heart beat faster,
the melting begins when i try to hide meaning
between words that only you can understand fully,
little secret things we say with double meanings
maybe a little intrigue thrown in just for fun,
but no matter what i say, it all comes down to this,
i miss you
as always, i miss you,
your voice in my ears slipping back and forth between
the husky, the whisper and the firm blatant,
the way you say my name, the way you call me pet
when i’ve been a very good girl
and when i’ve been naughty
you describe what you have in store for me
it doesn’t take long until i’m sliding off my chair,
a puddle, a result of your wordplay ,
a better wordsmith than i can ever hope to be
yet you brush off my angel wings and remind me how to fly again
so of course i miss you,
sometimes, two days can seem like a lifetime

et cetera