{February 28, 2014}   Slaying My Dragons

it’s funny in a way,
how you know me better than even i do,
my limits are nonexistent
when it comes to you,
you know my ins and outs
as if you studied them for countless lifetimes
when the truth is i just lay them out in front of you unaware,
there to peruse at your leisure,
it confuses me sometimes, that you know me at all when i don’t even know myself,
that whole ‘i’m-not-worthy’ thing howls through my brain
on a regular basis,
but something changed, somehow,
where a piƱata overflowing with insecurities once hung between me and everything i dreamed of
you came along and smashed them all to bits, that devilish grin curving your mouth
as you shredded my fears,
murdered those sharp shiny leeches, clinging to me desperately
in an attempt to bleed me dry,
you just laughed while you slayed my dragons
refusing to take credit for reminding me how to smile’
after all, you told me, it was there all along

mouth of hellubervamp
I don’t like to whine.
Hey! I heard that ya know, I do not like to whine! Sometimes whine just spills from my mouth is all.
Back to my non-whining non-rant about my non-weekend.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those weekend-planners, and in fact usually prefer the actual week itself because for the most part I have tons of alone time which equals writing time. (I think I just jinxed myself- thunder in the distance + rain = construction worker husband coming home early = almost impossible for me to write. Grrr Argh)
Ok here’s the sitch: we won’t even discuss Friday, lets just say sometimes there’s these big old bottles of rum which magically disappear, especially when the Glory Days Bunch gathers in my damn kitchen (because it’s always the kitchen where people gather) and blasts their own music so loud I can’t think.
Ugliness ensued.
Lets move on to Saturday.
I woke up crying.
I know! What a shitty way to start the day, right?
There was a class I had to attend Saturday at 9am since I’m a District Certified Board Worker and there’s a Primary Election being held Tuesday. We lowly Poll Workers have to attend a class every 2 years so I pulled myself together and made my way over to the school for my first class without my Mom, she was a Poll Worker too. That may have had something to do with my unreasonable tears.
So I gave myself plenty of time to get there (I’m a chronically late to everything person) and popped in my favorite cd, the soundtrack to Once More With Feeling (Buffy Season 6 Episode 7) and about halfway through (the drive and the disc) the temperature gauge in my car started to climb. Ugh. What to do? I’m at the top of a bridge I have actual nightmares about with an about-to-overheat car so I do that thing they say to do and turn on the heat full blast (did I mention it was more than 90degrees outside?) and make it to the school at exactly 9am.
There was nowhere to park.
No where at all.
Somebody decided it would be a good idea to have a town-wide yard sale in the parking lot of the school the same time as the class.
Heat blazing both outside and inside my car I circled that damn parking lot at least 32 times, one eye on the temperature gauge, the other looking for someplace to park.
Eventually I managed to squeeze my car alongside a curb as others had done and literally ran into the auditorium where I was not the only latecomer and slipped into a seat praying a cooling off period would magically fix my car problem.
The class was all blah blah blah, nothing new, but required if I wanted my paycheck.
Then they get to the part where they talk about what to do when there’s a deceased voter in your district, which forms to fill out etc. Fuck. I work in my Mother’s district which translates into me, as her daughter, having to fill out the deceased voter form. Those damn tears started all over again.
Triggers I’m not even aware of.
Ok so the class finishes and there is a mass exodus of mostly senior citizens, everyone trying to leave the overfilled parking lot at the same exact time. The way I was parked made it impossible for me to move my car until the cars surrounding me left so I had no choice but to sit in my car till the coast was clear.
But no, it can’t be that easy right?
Another person, and I use that term loosely, had parked in such a way that she decided she couldn’t move her car until I moved mine. My dog could have driven out of that spot without a problem but nope, she decided she needed to get out of her car and scream at me to move my car. I remained calm and smiling as I explained the obvious; my car was surrounded and I never got that feature installed, you know, the one that makes your car fly. Considering there was also a line of cars, none of which were inclined to let me smash into their cars so the screaming woman could get out of her illegal spot, as well as 27,893 senior citizens walking slowly as they tried to find their own cars, I was still unable to move my car which brought on yet another screaming bout from the same entitled bitch woman.
It was a nightmare but just the beginning of a nightmare.
After finally getting out of the parking lot (is it wrong that I took the tiniest bit of glee seeing that nobody else was inclined to let her cut them off?) my engine was still running hot.
Did I mention the traffic was backed up forever and my car sat idling long enough for me to near panic-attack status as I watched the temperature gauge rise closer to the red?
I made it about a quarter of the way home when my engine decided I was too much of an idiot for trying to drive it hot that it shut down.
Dead. Just like that.
Do you know how much it sucks to maneuver a car with power steering no longer working? Big time suckage.
A tow truck and a rescue from my husband got me home and my car to the shop where it sits at this very moment. I’ve decided to name my car Lazarus in the hopes it will rise from the dead.
It could happen.

So that was the morning, needless to say I didn’t go out Saturday night.
I worked offline on some writing and watched Orphan Black which was the highlight of the week.
I’m not even going to mention Sunday, it was what is usually referred to as a cluster-fuck.
Ok, I’ve babbled and whined enough, so to sum up: angry women drivers yelling at me in front of an entire parking lot of people made her look like the loser not me. My car dying at the class I needed to go to is almost ironic because as of now, I can’t work the Election without my car since it’s hard to get a ride somewhere at 4:30am, if I didn’t go to the class I wouldn’t have been able to work, but since I drove the car to the class in a stupid heat wave I can’t work at the Election because I am carless at the moment.

Man, I sure can whine!
Oh yeah, remember that earlier mention of rain days bringing husbands home from work early? Yep, you guessed it. Honey I’m home, now can you do _____ and ______ and _______ then ______ and after that I need ______ and _______……

If I crawled under the covers and went to sleep for 2 days do you think it would help?
How about this, I promise to slay all the vampires needed to be slain if somebody would just give me some damn time alone.

et cetera