{September 18, 2014}   Looking For Me

alice and dorothy
“Sometimes the slightest things change the directions of our lives, the merest breath of a circumstance, a random moment that connects like a meteorite striking the earth. Lives have swiveled and changed direction on the strength of a chance remark.”
― Bryce Courtenay

I haven’t been here for awhile.
I mean, I haven’t been here for awhile; as in present, aware, involved. As in my engine stopped running and I can’t get me started. Not even a good old fashioned strong push and pop it into 1st gear works, never mind jumper cables.
And I’ve tried, believe me, I have been trying on a daily basis to get myself out of this deep well of despair but nothing seems to work. I don’t think shock therapy could even get me going.
I have moments. Moments of clarity and moments of laughter. Moments of listlessness and moments of lethargy. Moments where I feel I can conquer this monster shadowing my every move followed by suffocating moments, where I feel breathless, anxious, debilitated, drained of every ounce of my self.
I don’t know where I am.
The me I’ve known all my life has disappeared, gone missing, held hostage somewhere I can’t seem to access, it feels as if all my files have been scrubbed. Deleted. Along with my confidence.
I’ve become unreliable.
The absolute worst thing I can imagine happening to me is the thought of being unreliable.
I don’t want to be unreliable.
Yet this is where I seem to find myself.
It’s taken me a few days to write these few words and that is unacceptable to me.
I began this on my happy feet and have allowed myself to land on my unhappy ass by tripping over my own self.
A few days ago I met for lunch and it was wonderful.
Nearly four hours of nonstop talking and I drove away happy, inspired, encouraged, stronger, braver. It was one of the best days of my life and definitely the best time I’ve had in longer than I can remember.
It was also raining really hard and I forgot. Forgot that my stupid health has a mind of it’s own, one I have no control over. Here it is days later and I’m still sick, in bed, with a fever.
I have let not only myself down, but I have let Maryanne down. I was going to see her today at one of her appearances but no, I’m in bed with a 101 degree fever and a spinning head.
I have let down , who I practically begged to do a Fiction Rally with, only to find myself way past my deadline.
TRG is, of course, wonderful and understanding and patient but I’m furious with myself. It’s all there in my head, I just have to type it out of my head and onto the page.
I guess posting this little bit of words is a step in the right direction. Today has been a trying day to say the least, but there have been moments. Moments of near-tears and sniffles. Moments of laughter and smiles. Sighs of worry followed by sighs of relief.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am my own worst enemy.
It’s long past time to start fighting back. For myself.


et cetera