{August 2, 2014}   If I Wake Up Dead Tomorrow

if i wake up dead tomorrow
it might take awhile for anyone to notice,
my cats, well they would want me to feed then
although they do love me, this i know,
but sometimes i think, no, i know, they love me best,
even when they want their crunchies,
it gets hard sometimes, living up to my promise,
the one where censuring myself would never cross my mind,
but it’s begun,
little snarks here, direct accusations there,
it makes me wonder sometimes, who is more self-centered,
the reader or the writer?
we weave reality through fiction
and fiction through reality,
words flow, meaningful and meaningless,
as long as they flow it’s a gift
and oh we are blessed if we are gifted,
and we are all gifted, in our own ways,
but my gift it seems, doesn’t weigh too much, so,
i paint on my smile and lie through my teeth,
it’s not you it’s me and all that,
because it is me, mostly,
i was born on a Wednesday and nothing will keep the woe away,
you can preach to me till you’re blue in the face,
that is, when you find the time and i enter your mind, when you pencil me in,
yes, yes i get it, i get it all,
maybe that’s the problem,
i mean mine, not yours of course,
so if i wake up dead tomorrow
leave me be,
throw me in the ocean and weigh me down with bricks,
dress me in my favorites but please,
if you could, slip me a pen,
regardless of my surroundings, i always find something to write on,
if i wake up dead tomorrow i will carry on, wherever i wind up,
for i always do,
as you will, as you always do,
until then, i may whine, i may cry like the cancer-moon-girl i am, the lunatic howling at the moon
only my howls sound more like sobs,
but in the end i carry me with me,
i am now my hope,
the blood that courses through my veins belongs to me,
they’ve made that clear,
through actions and non-words my blood belongs to me alone,
and it will pump through this body
until that day,
when that tomorrow comes,
and i wake up dead


Lately James doesn’t seem to want to go out hunting with me.
I have a theory or two but it boils down to the same thing; James-less hunting isn’t nearly as satisfying as James-filled hunting.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not normally jealous when it comes to James.  I know he has a lot going on between the club and some mysterious ‘family business’, whatever the hell that means, but come on, give a girl a break already. I’m newly sired and want need James to fuck my brains out explain all this vampire stuff to me.

The last time we went out hunting together we came dangerously close to getting caught.
We’d just shared a rather satisfying meal in the woods behind the school near his club leaving us both pretty wired. We caught a would-be burglar about to break into one of the nicer houses in the neighborhood. For the most part we have a no-kill policy, we prefer the catch and release way of doing things, kinda like fishing.
Some nights were better than others and this particular night had me buzzing. Adrenaline leaves a lovely aftertaste but it also gets me all revved up.
It was still early. I didn’t want to go home yet and I really didn’t want to go to the club.
The barmaid working that night was a nosy bitch with too much time on her hands and I wasn’t in the mood to see her big bouncy boobs flopping out of sync all over the place. It wasn’t a pretty sight and did nothing to increase her tips. I have good instincts and something about her exuded evil. I didn’t trust her one bit but it wasn’t my club, as she liked to remind me whenever James wasn’t around.
She was potential trouble and she hated me because she wanted James. Whatever.

Anyway we sat in my car with the heat running. Even though we just fed I was shivering and it wasn’t just the chill in the air that caused it.
James had the passenger seat reclined and my head was in his lap with my feet pressed against the drivers side window.
Believe me, it was a lot more innocent than it sounds.
If it was up to me I’d have James way more than halfway to happy-land instead of discussing the finer points of HR Puffinstuff but he had places to be that didn’t include me.
Master Vampire stuff he said.
“What, are there Master Vampire meetings or something? What’s with all the secret cloak and dagger stuff anyway,” I mumbled around a mouthful of James.
“Lizzie do you ever stop talking?” He chided.
His finger was in my mouth running over my slightly protruding fangs trying to figure out why they weren’t retracting all the way when out of nowhere we were surrounded by three police cars. The unexpected brief shriek of the siren startled me and I bit down, drawing blood.
Oh man he tasted good.
There were lights everywhere and we both jumped up, guilt written all over our faces.
“License and registration ma’am.”
The cop was stone-faced as I turned on the tears and started to babble excuses.
We should have known better.
Parking in a school zone was asking for trouble. And seriously, I really didn’t want to have to eat six cops because of my uncontrollable hunger.

“Step out of the vehicle sir.”
A blonde baby-faced cop was shining a flashlight into my car as he politely told James to get out.
My hands shook as I rummaged through my leather bag looking for my drivers license. I don’t know why but cops always scared the hell out of me when I was alive and they still did now that I was dead. You’d think the vampire thing would have gotten rid of that pesky little fear.
After what seemed like hours of fumbling, I handed my drivers license to Officer Baby-Face with what I hoped passed for an I’m-totally-innocent-of-any-wrongdoings smile which more likely resembled a grimace of terror.
Mentally, I thanked the DMV for their 6-year renewal option while the cop gave it a cursory glance.
I’m gonna have to ask James how vampires renew their photo ID’s, those fluorescent lights were hell on my complexion when I was human, they must be a nightmare for vampires.

“What are you two doing parked in a school zone?”
There were 2 cops on either side of the car. 2 more leaned against one of the patrol-cars blocking us in.
My non-heart was non-pounding.
I wondered if James was gonna go all vampire-crazy on them.

His finger was still dripping blood.
My tongue snuck out to make sure there weren’t any tell-tale drops on my lips.
His scent was driving me crazy.

My mouth was watering and there was a passed-out would-be burglar in the woods behind us. James literally had blood on his hands and men with guns had us surrounded.
This couldn’t end well.

I have no idea what was said but a few minutes later the boys-in-blue were walking away apologizing profusely for interrupting us.
As they drove away James backed me against the hood of my car and reached out, his still-bleeding finger sliding along my parted lips.
“James what did you-” My words stopped when he slipped his finger into my mouth.
Oh man he tastes good!

“You bit me,” he said.
“I’m sorry.”
I swallowed audibly as the taste of James slid down my throat.
He wasn’t going to tell me what kind of vampire trick he pulled on the cops. He’s a secretive son of a bitch.
As my tongue flicked out to catch another drop of his blood I realized I didn’t really care.


et cetera