joannebest











{October 26, 2015}   Status Update ~ The Longer Version

kindness of strangers

“I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers”

A few mornings ago, I woke up sobbing. And I’m not ashamed to admit my weakness.
I am beyond overwhelmed and I am guilty of intentionally adding more to my burden-filled plate. I am also guilty of misdirected anger and extreme disappointment while trying to mask my feelings.

I miss my Mom and I miss my Dad and this whole dissolving of the estate also know as ripping my heart out and tearing it into three equal portions, is slowly killing me.
Or a reasonable facsimile thereof…
It freezes my usually warm heart knowing that we are already showing the house to realtors when my Dad died a month today, and it hurts me to the core seeing our childhood reduced to nothing more than a dollar amount.
From the age of 5, when we moved from Newark NJ to Sayreville NJ, up until this very day, that home has been the ‘no place like home’ security blanket that always made me feel safe, no matter where I was.
Now it’s all about numbers and “get rid of this” and “curb appeal” and “throw away all this stuff” aka get a dumpster and discard every bit of memory and character left in your heart, um, I mean house.

Let me be clear, I am the least money-hungry person you may or may not ever meet in your life.

To me, money is a necessary evil we need to survive.
I am simple to please, a roof over my head, a cup of tea, a couple of cats, a million books and a place to write are enough to keep me happy and thriving. Okay, maybe an occasional Carmello bar thrown in there once in awhile doesn’t hurt.

But.

I’m grieving.

And I can count the number of family members who care that my Father died on one hand.
If you have no respect for the death of my Father, that’s your business and also your right. But don’t you think you should have a little bit of respect for me, a grieving Daughter who loved BOTH of her Parents unconditionally?

And did it ever cross your mind that perhaps taking joy from the fact that my Father died and being vocal about it might just hurt me a little bit? Did any of the guilty parties ever think that perhaps, upon hearing the news of my Father’s death, telling his adult children you would get up and do a jig if you were physically capable of doing so is beyond disrespectful? Never mind how much it hurt to hear something like that from someone you have loved and looked up to since the day you were born.
I’m not naming names and I’m not pointing fingers, it’s more like a wave in your general direction. I do this out of respect for family ties, which have been reduced from a capital F ‘Family’ to just plain small letter ‘family’ even though whoever it is I’m referring to will most likely never see these words.

Since this is more of an update/babble, there is no order to my thoughts, no beginning, middle, or end.
There is no message, no point, no lessons to be taught or learned, more of just a purge of stuff that has been weaving through my brain, not all of it of course, because when it comes down to it, I’m more of a ‘don’t say anything if you can’t say anything nice’ kinda girl, and at this moment in time, I can’t think of anything nice to say upon hearing all the negativity toward my Father.

I guess some people think they are perfect and have decided slamming a man who, along with my Mother, practically raised them during their childhood, for reasons.

I have a lot of anger issues.
Not one sympathy card or phone call from anyone on my Mom’s side of the family*, while my Dad’s side, consisting of 3 cousins, have been more supportive than everyone else put together.

My Mother would be so disappointed in the branch of her family tree.

Things have settled down between my two brothers and I, after a long face to face talk, we’ve come to terms for the most part, so at least I feel a bit better knowing that we three are on the same page.

So while I am still an emotional wreck, at least I am an emotional wreck with two brothers who love me as I love them.

I have discovered that it’s really true, blood doesn’t make family, but loving and caring friends can become more of a Family than blood relatives.

And while it is very comforting to know that I do have a support system, it saddens me to know how the people you expected to be there for you are nowhere to be found.

I will end this now, because I’m verging on whining, but one last thing: I have met some of the best friends I could ever hope for as a result of writing, it doesn’t matter that I have never met a lot of them in person, they have still showed me more love and concern than I’ve received from blood ties.
So dear friends, if I haven’t made myself clear enough, you, and you, and you too, my writerly-friends, have made a tragic time in my life a little bit easier, just by being there for me when I needed someone more than ever.
I thank you and I love you with a love usually reserved for family, because you are now my Family.
This fact alone has made it easier to sleep at night.

*a few of my cousins commented on my Facebook status when I posted that my Dad had passed.

family4

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I am the father of two beautiful adopted girls. There is no blood there but that doesn’t stop us from caring about each other to the n’th degree making us family. And we still have room left for my NJ friend. Whatever you need, just ask, like many of your other WP fans I imagine. And we went through an estate situation a few years ago. Even though we really wanted no part of it it was still distasteful to see how other people acted. Its my understanding the majority of estates go this way for some reason. Good luck joanne!



Hi Joanne, and hugs first of all. This is such a rough time for you, and I know that I’d be just as overwhelmed in such a situation. However I must admit that I think it is good that you can let things out. Sobbing, crying, feeling alone, feeling guilty and disappointed are not signs of weakness. I think that these are your valid emotions and reactions. You deal with such a lot, and somehow you work on getting your head around it, so, I’d say this is maybe the right way to work through some parts of the grief. I want you to find some comfort if possible. I’d always go for the hugs and hope that you get lots of them too. Hugs from me for you.

I am so sorry that the reactions about your father’s death are so bad. I don’t know what’s wrong with some people, but this jig-dancing sounds heartless and it is not at all considerate towards those who loved your Dad and grieve. Seriously, I am a bit speechless because of that, and all I could hope for is that this just came out the wrong way. But it is frustrating and sad to have someone speak so negatively. I think my first instinct would be to turn away from such people, but sometimes situations appear differently than they are, so maybe talking is the better way of dealing with this? I cannot know. All I know is that I am glad that the situation with your brother has improved so much. This is good news, and I hope so much that you find back to more peaceful times soon.
I get you about the memories that you connect with the house, the place you grew up in. Maybe there are a few things that you connect with special moments, and maybe you could save a few of these. It is so sad that the house will be gone, but I do believe that most of what matters about the place is in you, it is all the good memories. I am sorry if my rambling did not make too much sense, but I am with you on your reactions and thoughts.

hugs and love

Nina



catrouble says:

Hey Joanne…I am so very sorry to read how some of your family members have behaved towards you. Anyone that would tell a child that they celebrate the death of their parent is not worth being called a member of the family. So happy you and your brother worked through your issues. Take care of yourself.

Hugs and blessings…Cat



Carol says:

My Dear, long time friend. Please always remember, they can take away the house, but no one, NO ONE, will ever take your memories!!!! Love to you and Mike.



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