{March 30, 2014}   Harder To Hide

it’s getting harder to hide these days
i try to remain hidden for the most part
though there are cracks in my walls
and i’m leaking through,
i’ve become an island intentional,
surrounded by sharks,
my blood scent fills the air,
they know i’ve been wounded so they circle
waiting for me to bleed out,
if i could close my eyes and keep them closed
maybe then i could be strong,
but that’s the path that led me here, alone,
unable to feel the wind in my hair
or the sand between my toes,
my hope is gone,
scattered like ashes from a dying fire
yet still i crouch in the corner,
timid, fading,
wishing i never believed in anything
wishing that spark would simmer down to nothing
instead of jolting my insides,
keeping me on life support,
still hanging onto that one little thread
for no good reason


Good morning Joanne! Just stopped by to check on you. You’re thoughts and your writing reminds me of how I’ve felt at times. I had posted something a long time ago from Job in an attempt to convey my feelings …

Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.

Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.

Let darkness and the shadow of death stain it; let a cloud dwell upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it.

As for that night, let darkness seize upon it; let it not be joined unto the days of the year, let it not come into the number of the months.

Lo, let that night be solitary, let no joyful voice come therein.

Let them curse it that curse the day, who are ready to raise up their mourning.

Let the stars of the twilight thereof be dark; let it look for light, but have none; neither let it see the dawning of the day:

Because it shut not up the doors of my mother’s womb, nor hid sorrow from mine eyes.

Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?

Why did the knees prevent me? or why the breasts that I should suck?

For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest.

Yeah, old Job had lost everything but he refused to “curse God”. Eventually, making it through the pain and the magnitude of his loss, Job said, “I know that thou canst do every thing, and that no thought can be withholden from thee. I have heard of thee by the hearing of the ear: but now mine eye seeth thee.
Wherefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”

Anyway, things got better for Job right after that and he was blessed more than at the beginning. I believe you and happiness will prevail.

Thank you so very much, and you’re right, although I will never be anywhere close to Job, I understand what you mean, not a day goes by without me talking to God, I think the approaching 1 year mark of losing my Mom/best friend is hitting me harder than I expected. .. thank you ♥

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