{January 27, 2014}   Another Day Another Blahg

I’m stuck in a hamster wheel going nowhere fast.
No matter how hard I try, and believe me, I try, I can’t seem to get moving. I thought at first it must be just another case of writer’s block but that isn’t it. It’s more like I have life-block.
Make that life-block on ice.
Intellectually I understand there are valid reasons as to why I’m all funked-up, but knowing something and acting on that knowledge are two completely different animals.
The weather.
That’s an obvious explanation for the way I feel. Fibromyalgia and the coldest cold in forever do not good bedfellows make, or; the pain, she hurts. That good old barometric pressure has my bones and muscles on fire, like the devil’s got a pitchfork that’s been sitting in the fiery pits of Hell and he’s poking my body all over the place.
Buried grief.
I’m not an expert on the grieving process even though I’ve lost more friends over the years than I can count on all my fingers and toes. Grandparents, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, boyfriends, the whole shebang.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the loss of my Mom and it’s just recently that I’ve realized I still haven’t processed it properly.
I keep pushing it down, trying to go on as if my life is still the same when in reality my entire world is shattered and I can’t really talk about it.
I don’t want to talk about it think about it dream about it know about it deal with it, any of it.
I’m the biggest crybaby in the world, always have been but it’s like somebody put a lock on my tear ducts and turned my heart into stone, cold, frozen, sharp stone that weighs more than I do.
I don’t want to feel.
Which is convenient because lately I feel nothing.
Dead inside.
Yeah, good old depression has always visited me from time to time but now it’s packed it’s bags and moved right on into this empty yet broken heart of mine.
One of these days, I hope I can gather together my strength and somehow manage to pick up the jagged pieces of my heart and put it back together again.
In a non-Humpty Dumpty way.
AUTHORS NOTE: the pictures used in this post were drawn by me on my phone. There’s an app for that.


Maryanne says:

Big hugs and condolences. xo

hugs back doll, and thank you, just one of those days I guess xox

Not wanting to talk about it is fine; as long as you know we’re all here if you do feel like talking about it. Warm embrace.

Thank you my sweet, hugs to you, hopefully this is just one of those days and I’ll get out of this funk soon xox

I hope so too! xoxo

So sorry for what you’re going through and I can’t imagine what pain it must be to lose a mother. Thankfully I have not lost mine yet. I do want to tell you that I also suffered with fibromyalgia and pilates was very helpful. Have you tried it? My fibromyalgia is almost in remission now. I know this is a small consolation (if it is even helpful) but at least it’s something.

Thank you for commenting, I’m so happy for you that you still have your Mom, mine was my best friend, we’d talk on the phone a few times a day if we didn’t see each other and we’d go away a few times a year together, just Mother/Daughter time which luckily we did the week before she passed unexpectedly. She was the only one who understood how much fibro affected my life.
I’m so sorry to hear you have fibro too but yay for remission!!! Now THAT is something to be happy about! And it’s much more than a small consolation, it’s a huge help because I never even thought of that! I’ve done nearly everything, chiropractic, physical therapy, exercise (I used to go to Curves but they all closed down everywhere near me), water exercise and way too many pain pills, which I weaned myself off of, but I never thought of pilates and if it worked for you, I definitely will check it out! Thank you so much, I’ll try anything once and if it helps me, I’ll keep on; and just to let you know, thank you again for making me smile and giving me hope! ❤ gentle hugs xox

This is what I love about the blogging community. Your response brought tears to my eyes.

KC says:

My poor ouchie twin. I wish we had ever met in real-person-ness, so I could imagine myself giving you a great big (soft) hug, and actually remember what it felt like, but no such luck…yet. So I guess you’ll just have to settle for an imaginary mind-hug, and imagine that it never stops, that I’m there with you always, all curled up around your mind like a kitty-blanket, purring away and letting you know you are loved. Ok? Can you settle for that? *lix and purrs*

JMC813 says:

So sorry to hear that life is wreaking havoc on your mind, heart and body right now Joanne. I wish quick relief from the physical pain, and release from the sorrow that grips your heart and mind. Gentle, but meaningful hugs.

😦 I was happy to see you post to my blog and was excited to see your work again (I love it) and I see that your sad. That sucks! You rock, being sad sucks. But I know that’s not who you are because I’ve read so much of your writing. Hugs from me!

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