{June 10, 2013}   I Am (Apparently Not) The Definition Of Selfish


I’m a big fat selfish pig.
No, that’s a lie. Mostly a lie. Nah, actually it’s all a lie except for the selfish part so let me rephrase that.
I’m selfish.
I think.
Oh! I know! Let’s see what our good friend the dictionary has to say. (if this was a script would there be stage directions here describing our heroine open another tab and bing? that would be kinda cool…)
Ok, let’s take a peek dear reader.
self•ish (ˈsɛl fɪʃ)
1. caring only or chiefly for oneself; concerned with one’s own interests, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives

So it seems has it wrong, or, I’m not as selfish as I thought I was. I’m more of a wanna-be selfish than an actual selfish, uh, thing.
Huh. Well that sure took the wind out of my sails. I can’t even get selfish right.
one of those days
I’m all wound up and information overload and how long am i gonna feel this way and nothing will ever be normal again or right and whatever that thing is that’s lodged against my heart is so very heavy and insistent on making it’s presence known and changes unwanted occur at an alarming rate on a day to day basis and it’s black confetti falling fast at the same time all at once and i don’t know the meaning of the word ‘family’ anymore and i’m sure as hell not looking that one up right now because i already know i got that wrong too.
I used to have an angel.

Where does that connection go and did it take a piece of me when it went?

This is why I’m a big fat selfish pig:
Because all this real-life stuff is pulling me away from my own desires and it’s making me cranky.
I’m pathetically easy to please, I don’t ask for or expect much, in fact quite the opposite.
As far as material things i’ll take a pretty weed picked off the grass over a treasure chest of jewels any day.

Any other desires can be counted on two fingers and one of those fingers points right here. (those stage directions, if they existed, would indicate ‘here’ as being here, literally, writing, wordpress blog thingy, you know, this world of writers like you)
That’s why i’m selfish, because all i want to do is write and the Evil Bitch Monster Of Doom also known as Life won’t let me.
We’re not mentioning the other finger right now. Shut up. (there would be stage directions here too, making sure the correct inflection was used on the words ‘shut up’)

Until the day I die I will always put others before me. I can’t help it, and believe me I’ve tried, but I can not stop myself from stepping into someone else’s shoes, then there’s this whole empathy thing that happens and before you know it i’m doing everyone else’s stuff wishing i could do more. I mean for them.

But meanwhile, back in the states(obscure reference to a NY Dolls song* which is now playing in my head), all my previous rants are still valid and now i have to say goodbye to my (sob) beloved comfy car and did i mention how much i don’t love change?

My car.
My car.
My car.

My car.
It’s a whole emotional attachment thing worthy of it’s own Very Special Episode post.

And I just did that rant thing I do and now i feel selfish because i just want to shut the world out and just write. With cups of tea. And cigarettes. And at least one cat. Aside from the whole smoking-is-bad-thing, that’s not really asking for much is it?

Rats. The damn sky just opened up yet again bringing forth a deluge of water and (most likely) the end of my first day alone in what seems like forever. So i just have to add one thing to that little list of selfish wants: i need a goddamn place of my own to write because this sitting at the kitchen table writing bullshit is freaking stupid already!!!
Uh, rant over she said hopefully and (say it with me) apologetically.
rant over

* Stranded In The Jungle~ New York Dolls (See? even the link-gods are against me and are only allowing me to copy and paste and i bet it’s that pesky upgrade thing which i have every intention of upgrading but was trying to hold out until next month when i get my new laptop that I’ve decided i’m giving myself for my birthday and see how all over the place i am?)
stranded in the jungle


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