Is it always like this?
Death, I mean.
I hate that I’m so preoccupied with death these days. Yes I know, it’s only been 2 weeks to the day that my Mom died but I didn’t expect to wake up this morning to a cry-fest.
How long will this go on?
Usually, if I have a crisis of any kind I call my Mom*.
I can’t do that anymore and maybe it’s starting to sink in, this isn’t temporary, she’s not away on vacation, she’s gone. Forever.
And while I may sound selfish saying this, she left me here alone with my 2 brothers and my 86 year old Dad and it’s not anywhere near ok.
They don’t know me, not really.
My older brother is 5 years older than I am, my younger brother is 5 years younger than I am so I’m literally a textbook middle-child.
Older bro left for college when he was 18 and never moved home again- he married, has 3 amazing boys who’ve grown to become amazing young men. They live in a part of NJ where my sister-in-law would run into Heather Locklear at the local food store and BonJovi and Bruce Springsteen’s kids go to the same school as my nephew so all in all, they’ve done very well financially speaking.
Younger bro left home at 18 to join the Navy then after he got out he married and also had 3 children. They tried to live a life similar to my older brother, on the outside it seemed as if he achieved that goal but like a rotten apple, there were plenty of worms chomping away underneath until he found himself thrown out of his own house and served with divorce papers, including bogus made-up domestic violence charges. Long story short, he moved back home with my folks. Not a good situation at all.
So one night in August of 2011, New Jersey was hit by Hurricane Irene. I got a phone call at 1am from my brother telling me the house had collapsed. Nobody was hurt but the house was deemed uninhabitable and my Parents were now homeless. I wasn’t able to do anything until the following day when Governor Christie lifted to ban on driving. I gathered them up and brought them to stay with my husband and I. And my sister-in-law. And our 2 dogs and 4 cats. Did I mention how small our house is? Did I mention that my younger brother was part of the package and he’s 6’2″ on a short day?
So a lot happened, a lot had to be done but I was determined to get the house fixed so my Mom could go home. It was the only home they’d ever owned after a lifetime of living in Newark NJ and my Mom and I were equally attached emotionally to that house. To keep this from rivaling War and Peace as far as word count is concerned, they finally moved back home somewhere around 6 months ago, which somehow wound up being the same day Hurricane Sandy hit NJ.
Sandy left us alone except for power loss although my own house was without power for 18 days and we had 2 different families crashing with us because they had a lot of damage to their homes.
I lost my point.
I miss my Mom.
*There is someone else I can talk to, someone who fills that ‘Best Friend Who Isn’t My Mom’ sized hole in my heart but as my Irish luck would have it, vacations planned well ahead of time certainly can’t nor should be changed just because I’m a big fat crybaby. Besides, I’ve been a loner most of my life so I’ve got this being alone thing down pat.
I’m so very tired of being lonely.
I’m so very tired of crying.
I’m so very tired.